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Sometimes I think of memories only I hold in my heart, now that the people who shared them with me are gone. Like the last time my dad and I stacked wood together that January day, him leaning against the cart, barely able to move but still winging chunk after chunk to my outstretched hand, and how at one point our eyes met, the same gleam of triumph in them —I can still do this, said his, and you sure as hell can, said mine.
I picture the rows and rows of wood lining the porch, ready to be chunked into the wood stove, enough to get him and my mother through the winter, the last one they spent on the homestead. I think of how my mother told me she pulled a blanket over him when she woke to find him gone, because she didn’t want him to be cold. I think of how I see him sometimes, making his way down a street in California with his walker, and how I know it’s not him but also, somehow, it is.
The Lost Brother, by Bethany Reid
—for Matthew
Now that our mother has forgotten your name,
I see you everywhere.
In a movie, you’re the spy, swapping
one briefcase for another.
You get off buses just as I find my seat,
or I catch a glimpse of you, disappearing in a crowd.
Once I saw you at a Fourth of July fireworks,
another time, late one night
in Galway. When I wear the blue sweater
I bought there, I think of you. I’ve never mourned
you the way I’ve mourned others,
and maybe that’s why. I was glad
you’d escaped your busted marriage,
left behind your bad choices
like a trail of crumbs to be eaten by birds.
I’ve dreamed you living in a cabin
in the trees at the back of the old place,
reading Dostoevsky and writing poems.
I’m not cracked. I know you’re on that hillside
where we left you, your coffin turned away
from the marker because our mother
didn’t want your head down and feet up
for all eternity. Even that secret
has a way of animating you,
as if you might sit up, dust off your hands
with a that’s that,
and step back into your life.
Our common ground was always a raft
of ice. With you gone, it’s broken smaller.
Am I tired, after all these years,
of carrying you with me? I’m not.
You weigh nothing, a hole in my pocket.
I never forget that you’re not there.
Click here for more information about Bethany Reid. Today’s poem is from her collection The Pear Tree, first published by Moonpath Press.
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